get outta my brain.

do i miss you? yes
do i hate you? maybe

amazing how dreams can screw u real bad upside down sometimes

ah nvm fuck me. motha forkin biatch i shud stop dwellin on e past.

yea gw i noe u remember dis. probably e only one to. so it doesnt matter whether u see dis or not.

One month plus on. I think right now im in the correct mood to write this. All the fucked up things in my life have been documented here and hence i think this ought to as well. This wasnt written earlier becos i believed taht i wasnt in the right moood for it. i wanted this to be as objective as possible.

Hence i took time to think abt things. To think over everything all the way right from the start. Right now i can probably safely say that i am enjoying every moment of my single life. Our separation was something that would have occured anyway. If not then, it would have been sometime in the forseeable future. The conclusion taht i got from all this time spent thinking was that you never really did fall in love with me. Instead, you fell in love with love. That was the only sound reason that i could have drawn from the many things that you have said and done. Like the agreement to break up before you left for studies. in your exact words, anytime i want. I should have done it then and there. Thinking back i was stupid enuf to hold on to something that was non-existant back then. It is also probably the only reason why you never did bother about how i was doing. Whether or not i am cracking under emotional stress and financial crisis. Because of you i developed strained relations with my family. I found myself struggling to pay for my own expenditure as well as yours. But yet you never sought to understand me. You never really bothered to show me true concern. Instead all you could do was to say that i was stingy. That i wasnt able to contribute to ur shopping funds or buy you expensive gifts like your friend's boyfren does. You never really bothered about me. Whatever i did was taken for granted. I wasnt appreciated. IS that the way love is supposed to be? Wasnt it supposed to be treating the other party wif respect, if not putting them at first priority always? I was never a boyfriend. More of a friend with benefits. You loved yourself more than you loved me. Or maybe you never did because in my opinion, you fell in love wif love. not with me.

And hence we separated. And now it feels like a relief. At that moment of breakup i didnt know wad to do. But it never did hurt as bad as the last time. Maybe becos halfway through i realised the relationship was a poisonous one. Maybe becos I have already realised that you are'nt the right one for me. Or maybe because i have already prepared myself well for such a day. But whatever it is, i feel so much happier right now. Single and enjoying my single life. I realised that there isnt a point in holding on to a girl who doesnt love you. A girl who depsite supposedly being my girlfriend, never once did tell me that she loved me. You chose to exit from my life. And now i can gladly say that i have let you go. You probably never ought to have been in but whatever the case, i finally see the light.

i dun noe how long i can keep my cool still. i dun noe when isit that i will finally say thats it. thats enough. and just let it all out. just because im always on e defensive u keep going at me. time and time again. but everytime when i think that im reaching my limit i somehow squeeze more out of my tolerance levels. all u do is to demean my character. to make me sound like im like the worst ever shit on earth. and no matter wad i say u refuse to listen. u just come to ur own conclusions and u hold by them. u never bothered to look at things from my point of view. from my life or from my angle. u just see things e way that u do in ur own privileged point of view. i wanted so much to buy a new computer today. but that would mean an extra 50 bucks of expenditure every month. and i tot of how u are already calling me kiamsiap now. imagine if i have fifty bucks lesser. one eighth of my allowance. but yet at the same time u get irritaed when my com shuts down when im toking to u on msn. wad can i do srsly. and at the very same time u want me to be able to get data plan to tok to u online in camp. and on top of that u want me to be able to give u gifts. further on top of that u expect me to pay every single time we go out. how do i do all of those. ALTOGETHER?
do u srsly care about whether or not im happy? whetheror not my life is going on fine. whether or not im able to at least keep myself comfortable? every single of my possesions are falling apart. first its my com. now my earphones. sooon my mp3 i guess.
isit just me? mayb its just myfault. cos everyone else gets some form of sacrifice from their girlfrens. some ppl say they are broke from treating. but their girlfrens treat them back. some ppl say their girlfrens insist on treating at times. some girlfrens even spam their boyfrens wif gifts. all except mine? mine says im stingy when i cant go out. says im stingy when i dun have enough money. says im stingy when my wallet runs out of money cos i only bring 20 bucks. so mayb its my problem. but im asking for none of this. all i want is for u to take note that im already trying. for u to be the least bit appreciative of my efforts. for u to allow me to work within my own limits. but no. u make me out to be kiamsiap. sometimes the things u say just leak wif sacarsm. to e extent of making fun of me. wad do i do abt it? nothing. i maintain my silence. desperately trying not to tip e delicate balance. i keep it within me. and when i finally said that ur hurting me. wad was ur response? u continued. u didnt stop. u just went on and on. about me being stingy. u didnt even stop for a second to consider if u were really hurting me. who really did stop to look at things from my perspective. who really did stop to see things as they happen to me in my life? who ever stopped to make sure im happy? who ever stopped to even think about whether im happy? did you? im hurting everytime i think of how u insult me. how u demean my character. IM HURTING. DO YOU KNOW? DO YOU EVEN CARE? i feel so much like crying. or just breaking down. i dun care if all of these came from someone else. but of all ppl it has to come from you. and despite telling you to stop it. u never do...

im sorry blog i realise i only ever post when im feeling f-ed up. why the hell isit always my fault when things happen? i cant go for supper and hence its my fault. great job. and i didnt even ever say i could make it pls. i said i will CHECK and i did. and if the result is CANNOT den wad u want me to do? i just bloody booked out and wad im supposed to freaking argue like some mad ass the moment i step into my house for my weekend? great way of enjoying my weekend isnt it? everythings just my fault hurh? why can other ppl do normal times like dinner time (REAL DINNER TIMES AT 6 and not 8) and u only can give me wierd timings like SUPPER AT 9??? well i have to stay in so wkdays are impossiblef or me except for fridays. MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY SO MANY DAYS TO TAKE LESSONS U HAVE TO TAKE THEM ON FRIDAY? den its MY FAULT that u cant do normal time and its MY FAUlT AGAIN THAT UR TIMINGS ARE WIERD!? others can go on dates on saturdays from 11 plus but u want me to squeeze everything in freaking four hours from SEVEN PLUS. and the best thing is u say we dont go on proper dates and its MY FAULT THAT I DUN GIVE U PROPER DATES?! come on u dun even GIVE ME THE TIME! so u cant do the normal times, wierd times at night i cant do i ask u for wierd times in the day. and u dont want to wake up. SO ISIT MY FAULT AGAIN? everythings my fault like thanks SO MUCH.

lets make a pact and break up just before we go uni. WTF. do u really like me? or are u just toying with me. just taking me as some leisure entertainment to fill up ur time between now and uni? so wad isit now? a fling huh? u want me to empty my bank accnt and give u a diamond ring. so that u can tell me tt u want to breakup when u go to university? or as u say anytime i want. so anytime is fine wif u lah. u dun give a crap at all do u? its just something else it doesnt matter when its just anytime i want. anytime is okay cos at any single point in time YOU DUN REALLY CARE.

u want things from me. diamond ring. flowers. nice dinners. i try my best to give them to you. but wad? did u really give me? its not like im a very hard guy to please. i was really happy when i got tht third month cap. and that was not even required to make me happy. all i nid sometimes is just a hug from you. a hug like u really mean it. but sometimes u make me feel like a pig trying to hug a muslim. a jew trying to hug a nazi. even that u refuse to give me. and talk about sense of security hurh? ur sense of security comes after i give u diamond rings and flowers. who is going to give me mine? who is going to tell me that this is the girl who i ought to emtpy out my bank account for? and not the one whos going to tell me to breakup just before university!? or ANYTIME for that matter. u dun even want to give me the slightest bit of indication. even the simplest i love you. u refuse to give it to me. yea u didnt lie. u never did cos u never ever told me that u loved me. theres nth for u to lie abt then.

i guess its just my wishful thinking. yea i noe its gg to be hard for us to continue on thru uni anyway. wif both of us in different parts of the world. lets just say u were just being logical then. but love isnt always logical isit? or are u even in love wif me...

yah yah im a cheat wadever. thanks alot man now im hurting real bad. thanks for letting me noe wad a loser i am. seriously thanks so much. so much for waiting one yr and im now a liar. so much for not eating for months when i was in rj to save up for ur present yea i did tt cos i was a liar. o yes i decided tat 420 a month was too much money and i buy u gifts cos im a liar. even this month 280 is too much minus off my 90 buck bill its still too much and im still buying u gifts cos im a liar. i refuse to buy myself a new mp3 even thou mine is dying and instead spend my money on u because im a liar. i even refuse to buy myself a new screen protector that costs TWO DOLLARS AND SPEND MY MONEY ON U BECAUSE I AM A LIAR. get the point? yes if u think i am a liar YARH FINE I AM THE BIGGEST LIAR ON EARTH I WILL LIE TO U I WILL LIE TO MY PARETNS MY FRENS MY SISTER EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH. u dun believe wad ur boyfren says or does. all it takes is for ur frens to say something and then u decide to get pissed at me. thanks so much really. thanks for letting me know time and time again wad a big fat failure i am. when breaking up comes out of ur mouth so easily, why do i still trust u wif my heart so readily. or maybe i didnt give it to you. cos im a liar